so then she became a woman

so then she became a woman

she came in from
mountaintops and thunderstorms
on top of glory
of journeys by merry-go-round
of castle-like doll house
of sweet dreams made of cotton candy
of girlhood.
so then armed with her fairies
and her day dreams
and her feathers
so then she became a woman
she was given fantasy for her battle
as men were given trucks
and toy muscles that told them they ruled the world
preparation for the day to day
as we were given light
to think of at our day jobs.
so then she became a woman
and she chased the wonderland
conquered the highlands
took her fairies and feathers
cursed the ground she walked on
and ate of the cotton candy clouds
she once walked upon.

raw

raw

life with a cloud acts as a dream

maybe the lights are dimmer and

the ground from under you seems to shrink.

life with a cloud is black at 2 am

when you’re rubbed raw

nigredo 

waiting for a grey cloud to clear 

a cloud lying incognito to outsider ears.

instead of a heart, you’ve got lead 

nothing touches you

numb 

a day is forever at all, years are as fleeting as a dark waking dream

life with a cloud blurs reality 

until all you are is lying in a stranger’s bed, waiting for a change

seeming to float.

the descent into a cloud is lighter than 

you may think you’re thick and unscathed,

but your skin is being rubbed raw,

cuts you didn’t know you had

sting. 

things you wouldn’t fight against

you suddenly find all around you,

Sleeve rubbing the raw skin with fleshy pain

earthy.

and at the worst of it all, 

when the cloud takes your eyes,

daylight to my dark,

it will flood.

white white tiles on me on bright fluorescent

oh, the water comes. 

the water comes rushing in.

it’s a moon behind the cloud.

watch closely 

it washes your raw, your hurt 

and hurt

and hurt over hurt 

underwater you thought you’d drown 

but at least you can feel again, you’re found

watch, at first it will sting,

wounds too long gone dirt. 

oh the floods break.

droplets in your new eyes,

a little too bright, but you’ll adjust

dilate,

you’ll adjust. 

long resented, long repented

this is arrival. 

learn to show your raw

your let loose,

bare and vulnerable

let them gasp

let the water come

and in the lilies 

in the white of the basking sun,

raw.

you will feel loose in your new skin,

too bright,

too pure,

too raw. 

let your life with a cloud melt away. 

on the ground

you’re out of a haze

blazing red labyrinth

maze of your mind free to be navigated, told and tell

this will be life.

phoenix to the fire

you, you are rising.

ruby of my minds eye

red.

raw was a resolution 

to your fire.

don’t take another heart,

ruby red,

aren’t you sanctified?

you’re a fire, you’re a passion

lights up ruddy against it all

in the daybreak

you’ll draw blood

and not look back.

not to say,

that there won’t be pain

but let it serve as a sweet reminder

of how much you’ve survived. 

a taste of tongue 

burning

yet warm.

hear your own voice

hoarse

 all up loud n life

hear it

breaking up to tell your

raw. 

it’s not finished, nor will it ever be.

oh no love,

you’re not alone.

for you

for you

girl:

you are not made to be admired

made to be filled

made to be cheeks pinched

rosy red

made to be ladylike pretty perfect

made up

looked down.

girl:

you are not made to be filled

not waiting on him

not needing your other half

cause girl

you are complete.

girl:

not your baby doll,

not your looking good,

not yours to talk down

not yours to make up

not yours to take 

break,

not yours.

girl,

you are all your own.

clean

clean

I’m over 3 months clean
my skin is scrubbed over and over until
clean clear veins
untouched, caged away in my skin
i am beginning again.

praise me, watch my growing from outside in.
tell of my becoming, tell of the smile when i learn to laugh
welcome me back, welcome my absent inner attack, praise how big, how loud I’ve become.

I’m over 3 months clean
and it feels like a welcome home.
You are new, and I know you,
and I’ve missed you.

I don’t rely on that crushing force
I don’t cry over you anymore
You closing my own doors,
locking me inside my head.

But I am over 3 months clean.